


In My Life, I love You More

by Steeella



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, but all in good fun, childhood best friends, complete fools to lovers, haphazard and spur of the moment business ventures instead of healthy communication, irresponsible bets made as preteens holding too much leverage in adult life, slightly unhealthy obsessive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29356485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steeella/pseuds/Steeella
Summary: "Do you, by any chance, happen to remember that bet we made, when we were kids?""There’s a few that spring to mind, you competitive bastard. The one about the popsicles?”"No," Ryan grinned. "The one about falling in love."Shane’s heart did a funny sort of stutter. "I… don’t remember that one.""You have to!" Ryan punched him on the arm. "Don’t you remember, that day, when we sat in our pillow fort when we were eleven and you said you’d never fall in love like the adults in the films and I said me neither, and then we made a bet, to see who would be the first one to fall in love, properly, with no hesitation or doubts?"
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 13
Kudos: 52
Collections: Shyan Shipping Society - Valentine's Exchange





	In My Life, I love You More

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tanabubbles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanabubbles/gifts).



> Hi guys! This is my fic for the [Shyan Shipping Society](https://discord.gg/kBx7zg3Ugr) Valentine's Day Exchange, where I was thrilled to be writing for Tana! Your prompts were awesome and I had fun writing this, so I hope you enjoy, my dear.  
> Big thank you to [Erin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Golden4278) for the beta, you are amazing <3  
> Note: because of the childhood friends to lovers trope and for Storyline Purposes, this takes place in 2018, where they are both around 30.  
> Title from In My Life by The Beatles (big shoutout to George Harrison's harpsichord solo)

Some days, it felt a bit like Ryan had been in love with everyone in the world except for Shane.

Ryan loved even the little things, from the flowers that grew in the cracks of the pavements to the sunrise every morning. When he fell in love, he fell in love with the idea of love, too.

So when they left for work that day and Ryan turned to him, with the same head-over-heels expression that Shane knew only too well, he bit his lip and prepared his performance: 

"Is it just me, or is it really fucking cold?"

That was his go-to, small talk questions before the secret burst out. And Shane fell for it every single time. 

"Do you want my jacket?" he asked hastily.

It wasn’t even that cold, but Shane had been worrying if his zip-up bomber jacket was a bit young for him anyway. He took it off and wrapped it around Ryan’s shoulders before he could protest. Ryan zipped it up diligently, and Shane wondered why he offered himself to Ryan, even in such small favours. Maybe he hoped Ryan would be kinder about it when he eventually figured out why. 

He found it harder to concentrate on work that day, his eyes focusing and unfocusing on the video he was supposed to be editing.

Shane watched Ryan, from across the office, laughing with someone at the coffee machine, in his loud and infectious way, and felt something that was nothing more than  _ jealousy _ . He liked being the one to make Ryan laugh like that, he liked being the one whose jokes he rolled his eyes fondly at and who could guess what he was thinking before he said it.

He pulled his eyes back to his computer screen as Ryan bounced back over to his desk. 

“Hey big guy!"

"Hey!" 

Ryan could always make him smile, no matter how sour of a mood he was in. He didn’t leave Shane’s desk, which Shane was grateful for. He wasn’t not going to get much work done if Ryan was talking to someone else. 

Ryan looked like he was trying to tell Shane something, and Shane got ready with the happy face he was going to make when Ryan announced he was dating someone new.

"Do you, by any chance, happen to remember that bet we made, when we were kids?"

Shane frowned.  _ That _ was not what he was expecting. 

"There’s a few that spring to mind, you competitive bastard. The one about the popsicles?”

"No," Ryan grinned. "The one about falling in  _ love. _ "

Shane’s heart did a funny sort of stutter. "I… don’t remember that one."

"You have to!" Ryan punched him on the arm. "Don’t you remember, that day, when we sat in our pillow fort when we were eleven and you said you’d never fall in love like the adults in the films and I said me neither, and then we made a bet, to see who would be the first one to fall in love, properly, with no hesitation or doubts?"

Ryan was talking faster than normal, and if Shane hadn’t been so distracted he would have got the sense that this little speech was something Ryan had been practising. Because oh, Shane remembered it well. And ironically, it was  _ Ryan _ who wasn't remembering it quite exactly how it had all panned out: 11-year-old Shane had followed up his woeful statement of "I’ll never fall in love with anyone," with 'As much as I love you.’ Preteen Shane was apparently an idiot and even worse at distinguishing the 100% legitimately platonic bro things from the very much romantic feelings than the current one.

Ryan had obviously thought nothing of it, and skimmed over the declaration of feelings in pursuit of something he thought much more interesting: a challenge, a competition. 

"It’s… coming back to me," Shane said, scratching his head idly. 

"Well, you know how every time one of us got into a relationship, and we’d be like, "this is it, I’ve won," so we had to raise the stakes so that it was the first person to find the person they want to be with forever, to find ‘the one', yada yada?"

He could remember all of this happening to  _ Ryan _ , but every time Shane met someone new it would never work out, and he had stopped claiming his faith in these relationships because he hated the pity and apologies that would follow when it inevitably failed. Ryan, of course, was the spanner in the works, always the thing at the back of his mind, even when his feelings dwindled during Ryan’s relationships, Ryan was the sole trophy worth playing for. 

Of course they’d had to change the rules. Shane would’ve won, by default on day one, if it was a competition of who could fall in love first.

"Anyway," Ryan said, bringing Shane out of his self pity. "I have something I need to say."

Shane raised his eyebrows, and smiled. "Pray tell, Ryan.’

The excitement on Ryan’s face from the nostalgia and excitement of the bet seemed to melt into delirious nerves. A faint blush spread across his cheeks. "Well. I think, this time, for real, I’ve won."

And, there it was. Shane had known it was coming, but it didn’t hurt any less.

Knowing someone your whole life and having them be an integral part of everything you do meant that there were no secrets left to share, nothing left to say that the world hadn’t already heard. Shane knew all of Ryan’s secrets because he had been there when they were formed, watched his side glances and restless fidgeting as he tried to keep them locked shut for a few days before eventually,  _ always _ , he confided in Shane. 

The difference between them was that Ryan was a terrible liar, and Shane was a practised one. 

Every new time Ryan had fallen in love, Shane had been there. And it had happened only too often - Ryan was just so  _ happy  _ and trusting that he fell harder each time with new vigour. 

And Shane had to watch, mouth zipped up like the jacket Ryan had borrowed, as his best friend’s eyes lit up for people that weren’t him.

"So, who’s the lucky person, eh?" he asked, injecting the last bit of joy into his words. 

"Well, the thing is-"

There was a great slamming of doors as Steven and Andrew entered the office. 

"Hey guys!" Andrew exclaimed. "How are you?"

Ryan turned a deep shade of pink. "I’m… great thanks."

Steven looked at them both, at Ryan’s mortification at being caught about to spill the tea on his new partner, and at Shane, ready to whip out the cry playlist. "Is something wrong?’

"There’s nothing wrong," Shane smiled. "Gonna buckle down, try and get some work done now." He put his headphones on, and tried very hard not to think about it.

***

In a rainy classroom 23 years ago, seven year old Shane Madej had looked to his side to see that the kid with dark hair and the basketball jersey had fallen asleep on the desk next to him.  _ Ryan _ , his brain supplied. But Shane had much more important things to worry about than him. For one, it was his birthday in  _ three whole months _ , and what on earth was he going to do for his birthday party, and which presents did he want, and best of all, his dad had pinkie-promised to take him to see Scooby Doo Zombie Island now that he was turning eight. Practically a teenager. Practically a  _ grown-up. _

But he was dragged from these happy thoughts as Ryan began to snore.

"Pstt," Shane whispered, poking Ryan with his pen. "Wake up, sleepy head."

Ryan lifted his head with a grunt. "Whuss going on?"

"You fell asleep!" Shane giggled. "Mr Mitchell is about to read us a story."

"Oh," Ryan giggled too. "I’m so tired, I didn’t sleep until  _ midnight  _ last night."

Shane couldn’t keep the awe from his voice. "Midnight? I thought only adults could stay up till midnight." he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "How old are you?"

"Seven," Ryan said, drawing himself up proudly. "My birthday’s in November, last year it was on a Sunday, so I didn’t have to go to school."

"Whoa," Shane breathed. "But my birthday is in three months, so that makes me… makes me…" he counted in his head. "Seven months bigger than you."

"So many sevens!"

Shane grinned toothily. "But what were you doing, staying up?"

"I was reading," Ryan explained in a whisper. "Goosebumps books. I read three last night."

Okay, Shane was seriously impressed now. "Whole chapter books? By yourself?"

"Yeah," Ryan smiled smugly. "I don’t ever get scared, either."

"I’m going to see Scooby Doo Zombie Island," Shane said excitedly. "And I’m not going to get scared, either."

"I think I saw a zombie once, and I think my house is haunted," Ryan whispered feverishly. 

"That’s not true, ghosts aren't real," Shane said, before blurting: "Do you wanna play pirates at recess?"

And that was the beginning of a friendship, in the beautiful way that seven-year-old friendships only needed smiles and pirates and zombies to become something decades old.

***

They had been inseparable throughout middle school, high school, and college. They had decided to move to L.A. together, their heads full of the same dreams, unsure of what those dreams were but sure that they could achieve them together. 

Adults used to say they were like brothers, but there was something more than that, something about the friendship that they had chosen, that had lasted the test of time and was as strong as ever. 

As Shane started to realize, at about age 15, that maybe his feelings were maybe not entirely platonic, he knew at once that he had to keep it a secret. He wasn’t sure if he could face being out just yet, wasn’t even sure as to what he would be out as exactly.

His mom seemed to catch on, even though he did his best to hide it. She was prone to giving him knowing smiles, eyes full of sympathy, when Shane told her he was staying over at Ryan’s. When he moved out, she held him tight and whispered, "Good luck," in his ear. He wasn’t entirely sure what with.

After college, moving into an apartment together had just been the natural thing to do. The two both got jobs at BuzzFeed. It was perfect. Perfect, Shane told himself.

The Problem started with their apartment, or to be more specific, their apartment’s shitty walls, the lack of soundproofing, and the noises that could be heard as a result of that.

Shane wasn’t an idiot. He knew people had sex. He knew that his feelings, feelings he hadn’t even shared, would not stop Ryan from having sex. 

But this was different from having a crush and seeing them date someone else, hearing about all the things they did together... This was a whole new kind of excruciating. _Hearing_ it happen, to have an answer to every thought of ‘ _I wonder what he would sound like if we did this?’_ but in the most twisted way. Knowing that it was other people who got to see this side of Ryan, the twisting, unravelled, noisy-for-other-reasons Ryan, and know that Ryan let himself be known to these people in such a fleeting, hurried affair, one night, then never see them again. That the people he valued even more than Shane didn’t stay for longer than a sunrise. 

Shane knew that if Ryan would let him, he would love him for every sunrise until his last.

He also knew, at the back of his mind, that if he pulled himself together, and slipped into bed beside Ryan one night and wrapped his arms around him, Ryan would not turn him away.

Even if it was just a matter of arms around each other, cheek to cheek and buttoned up, Shane would become one of the people in his bed for a night and then gone the next day, a casual hookup, or even worse, they would go from best friends to ‘friends with benefits,’ and Shane would lose the only special thing that he liked to cling onto, that he was Ryan’s favourite person, when sex was out of the equation. He hated the idea of getting to feel what it would be like, and it to be only that, nothing more. 

He didn’t like to think about these things. He invested in a good pair of earplugs, and they did the trick. 

***

It was their weekly movie night, and the film was  _ Wonder Woman 1984.  _ Despite the bad reviews, it was still enjoyable. Every film with Ryan could be enjoyable, in the way that they sat and made jokes about everything, grumbling about camera angles and questionable choices about the non-diegetic sounds. But all in all, it was a good movie.

"Warner bros really were catering to all the bisexuals out there when they cast Gal Gadot and Chris Pine," Shane said. Ryan laughed, and Shane was rewarded with that sensation of warmth he always got when he made Ryan laugh. 

Shane looked over at him, his face lit up by the TV, his smile a flash of brilliant white, and was suddenly so overcome with affection it was like he was choking. 

"You know you’re my favourite person, Ryan," he said. He didn’t quite know where it had come from. He very nearly clapped a hand over his mouth in surprise.

Ryan looked slightly taken aback, but only for a few seconds. "Aw, thanks dude," he replied, then went back to shoveling popcorn into his mouth. 

Most of the time, Shane could live with it, he could move on, like he had been forced to do a thousand times, he could push it to the back of his mind to only be examined on the nights he felt particularly self-destructive. The most frustrating part was,  _ he _ knew he was in love with Ryan. Everyone else seemed to know it, the office staff and his co-workers and his friends and family and  _ a quite large part of the internet _ . All seemed to know, as much as he did his best to avoid it. 

Inevitably, the only person that didn’t know, was Ryan.

And now, after spending his lifetime dropping hints and hoping upon hope that he might pick up on them, he realized that he was going to have to be much more obvious than that. He had forgotten all about the bet, how Ryan was so sure he had won. Maybe he’d had one too many beers, maybe this wasn’t how he would be normally, but the voice in his head said,  _ this is your chance _ .

The movie ended, and Shane wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans before turning to Ryan. 

"Ry, I need to tell you something."

Ryan looked at him in interest, surprised by the sincerity in his voice. "Yeah?"

"It’s been bothering me for a long time, like, a long time, and I have to tell you, or I know it’ll plague me forever.” He took a deep breath, feeling his heart beating rapidly, as if in protest. "Ryan, I-"

The doorbell rang.

"That’ll be the pizza!" Ryan said, leaping over the sofa and running to the door. "Hold that thought!" he called.

" _ Forget it, _ " Shane muttered. 

Ryan returned five minutes later, mouth full of pizza. "Sorry, you were saying something about the plague?"

Shane repressed the urge to roll his eyes. He thought fast for a lie. "I was saying how I had a new idea for Ruining History about the black death," he said, and it wasn’t entirely a lie. "But they haven’t given me the go-ahead for a second season."

Ryan nearly spat out his pizza. "What? They haven’t? But it was so good!" 

Shane shrugged. He didn’t want to think about it too much. "That’s showbusiness, baby!’’ he said, somewhat lamely. "It’s fine. I just had some new ideas, I was going to create this character to tell the stories instead of me, maybe like a little puppet? Some sort of novelty. It’s just stupid, though.’’

“It’s not stupid!’’ Ryan cried, sitting up straighter. ‘’It’s brilliant!  _ You’re  _ brilliant.’’ Shane felt himself go red with embarrassed pleasure, but Ryan didn’t notice. ‘’Look, I’ll go into Buzzfeed on Monday, and I’ll make them give you season two, and I’ll - I’ll cancel Unsolved so you can do it instead…’’ he trailed off, evidently realizing that there was no way he could do that. Unsolved was his passion project, his baby, everyone knew that, but Shane also knew it was the thing keeping the roof over their heads.

‘’We signed a contract, Ry.’’ Shane said gently. He was still incredibly touched by Ryan’s offer.

‘’Contracts are just paper,’’ Ryan shot back. He stood up. ‘’I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking… Can you wait there for a moment?’’

Confused, Shane watched as Ryan disappeared into his room. He sat there on the sofa and tried not to think about whoever Ryan had been talking about earlier, the person that Ryan had been convinced had won his heart enough to declare him the winner of the age-old bet.

Ryan was gone for a good twenty minutes. He returned with his phone in his hand, looking exceptionally pleased with himself. 

‘’I’m gonna head to bed now; I’ve got a special meeting tomorrow,’’ he said, eyes twinkling. Shane’s heart crumpled.

‘’Well, you need your beauty sleep,”’ he retorted. It came out snarkier than he intended. 

Ryan only grinned, as if nothing could spoil his sudden good mood.

The next day, Shane woke up with a feeling of dread. He had to know who this mystery person was. He knew that really, it was wrong. He knew that. But he couldn’t get it out of his head, Ryan’s face lighting up in pure  _ adoration _ , like for no other person Shane had seen before. He had to know who it was.

It was so, so stupid, he didn’t know why he did it, all that happened was he destroyed himself with jealousy and anger. But he didn’t know how to do anything else.

Ryan told him he was going out that afternoon, and Shane noticed immediately that Ryan looked a lot more dressed up than usual: a blue blazer, white t-shirt, and smart black jeans. 

"What’s the occasion?" he asked nonchalantly. In his head he imagined Ryan dressing up like that for him, putting thought and care into his appearance for  _ him. _

"It’s… nothing," Ryan said, turning red. Shane felt his insides curl. "Just going out. I’ll be back later tonight."

"Have fun." Shane smiled, but it looked more like a grimace. "You look… uh…" he didn't know quite how to say it, so he gave him an awkward thumbs up. 

Ryan grinned back, relieved and left, the door clicking behind him. Shane fell back against the couch and put his head in his hands. 

He thought about it for a few seconds.

Then he thought some more.

Then he got up, put on his jacket, hat, scarf and a pair of sunglasses, before slipping out the door after him.

***

He followed Ryan down the street, always making sure he was just far away enough that Ryan wouldn’t get suspicious, or notice him. 

Ryan was a jumpy guy at the best of times, but he seemed especially nervous now, looking around every few seconds (Shane had to leap ungracefully into the bushes), wiping sweaty hands on his jeans and fidgeting constantly.

He stopped outside a restaurant and checked his watch. He took a deep breath before stepping inside. Pacing up and down outside the entrance,Shane waited five minutes, before going in after him. 

The restaurant was lively and full of chatter, but Shane could hear Ryan’s laugh echo from across the room, the usually benevolent sound now all twisted and wrong. He was sitting with his back to the door, already deep in conversation with an attractive guy with dark hair.

"Do you have a reservation, sir?" a waiter appeared at Shane’s side.

"No - no, sorry." Shane muttered, before walking out. 

It was always so much worse when it was a man.

When it was a man, Shane could always make direct comparisons. It was unhealthy, and he knew it, but when it was another guy it was easier to stand in front of a mirror and pick apart the bits of his appearance that weren’t preferred. In the worse scenarios, it was when the people Ryan dated even bore a slight resemblance to Shane. It was like he was rubbing it in, it was like he was saying, "Look, I still didn’t pick you." Ryan would never have done it on purpose of course. Shane knew he never would try and hurt him, but it stung nonetheless. 

Ryan was always fairly open about his sexuality, his lack of labels and his general motto of "look, if they like movies and can put up with my bad jokes, obscure references, and basketball obsession, then I’m not fussy." Shane always liked to prompt Ryan to recite this list one more time, in the hopes that he would look up at Shane and realize, mid-sentence, that he had been describing him all along. It hadn’t exactly turned out like that, but Shane still took comfort in knowing that in another life, in another universe, he might have been the one Ryan chose. 

It became a regular thing they did, Ryan went out, sometimes in the evening, sometimes at lunch time, always looking smart and nearly always carrying his work bag with him ( _ Probably filled with chocolates or something soppy like that _ , Shane thought resentfully). Then Shane would follow him, sit outside on a bench and just sort of lurk there.

Ryan would always look at him pityingly when Shane said he’d rather just stay home and watch Netflix, for the fiftieth time. Shane hated being pitied, almost as much as he hated the idea of Ryan going out with this mystery person, and it took every ounce of his self-restraint to not blurt out his true plans. 

So when Shane followed after Ryan on a Saturday lunch time, it was no different. There was no bench, so Shane plonked himself in a bush next to the restaurant and watched Ryan from behind the leaves.

What Shane didn’t see however, as he scrolled through his phone to pass the time, was that Ryan had left early, and had noticed the top of a head peeking out from the bushes, and that he only knew one person who was that tall.

"What the fuck are you doing, dude?"

Shane jumped, and came stumbling out, wishing very much for the ground to swallow him up. 

"I was... tying my laces."

"Tying my laces in a bush outside the restaurant you seem to have followed me to, even though you told me you would be staying home tonight?"

_ Fuck. He’s good. _

"I guess things are crazy like that?"

Ryan did not laugh. "No, go on, tell me. I’m waiting." He crossed his arms and fixed him with a cold look. 

"Fine." Shane crossed his arms too, in an act of defiance, and decided to just get it over with: "I wanted to know where you’ve been going, who you’ve been seeing."

Ryan blushed. "That’s none of your business."

"Since when?" Shane demanded. "We shared everything, I don’t understand why you’ve just decided not to tell me now?"

He knew he was being unfair, but he was talking before he could catch up with what he was saying.

"So you thought you would just  _ stalk  _ me for two weeks?" Ryan spat. "Yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen you. You’re not as subtle as you think you are. Your ridiculous disguise can't hide the fact you look like a giraffe on stilts."

_ Being subtle is my problem _ , Shane thought.  _ I just want you to see me now.  _

"I was just curious," Shane said, shoulders slumped. "I wanted to know who you were seeing. I was… jealous."

Ryan looked taken aback. "Jealous?" he repeated. "Why?" he frowned, and scratched his nose. "You’ve been acting weird too, for a while now, ever since I brought up that bet. And you’re always weird the day after I have someone over, and now you’re  _ jealous _ because you think I’m dating someone? Why-" 

The penny dropped. Ryan’s jaw followed. He stared at Shane, wide-eyed, seeking a denial, anything. Shane just stared back, mouth dry, not sure what to say, unsure if he could speak even if he wanted to.

"No," Ryan said, shaking his head. "No, you’re joking."

Shane wanted to deny it. But he couldn’t; he just couldn’t. He hung his head so he wouldn’t have to look at Ryan.

"Say something," Ryan urged, making as though to take a step forward and then deciding against it. "Shane, say something."

"It  _ kills  _ me to see you with them," Shane blurted out, louder than he expected, more aggressive. Ryan flinched, and a woman unlocking her car behind them looked round in alarm. "It makes me so  _ fucking  _ angry, you have no idea."

"W-what?"

Shane clenched his teeth."They’re not good enough for you," he snarled. "The people you have over - they’re not good enough for you, and neither is the guy you’re seeing now."

He exhaled, long and heavy, his shoulders sagging as his anger died down. But it was too late, the damage was done. He watched as Ryan’s face went from shocked, to furious, to hurt, in the span of a few seconds. 

Ryan’s lip wobbled. He clenched his fists, and said, in a voice so quiet it was almost lost to the bustle of traffic, "What, and you are?"

And then he was gone.

***

They did not talk for three days.

Shane stayed in his room whenever he could, and worked in the lunch room so he wouldn’t have to see Ryan. Ryan seemed to be pretending everything was fine, which only made Shane angrier. 

The other BuzzFeed workers seemed to realize something was wrong. They exchanged glances as they saw Shane and Ryan refusing to meet each other’s eye all day, but none of them dared to mention it.

He got home that evening, and was taking the recycling down to the bins outside when he saw something in the stacks of paper and cardboard. He pulled it out, read it over hastily, and then sprinted back upstairs to the apartment, going up the steps three at a time. 

"Ryan?" he gasped, flinging open the door. "What the hell is this?"

He thrust the paper at Ryan, who took his headphones off, looking disgruntled. He evidently thought their mutual feud was more important than a piece of paper. His expression changed when he saw what it was.

"What is it?" Shane demanded again.

"It's nothing." Ryan snatched it out of his hands.

"It’s not  _ nothing _ ." Shane tried to grab it back, but Ryan held on. 

"It doesn’t matter."

Shane from three days ago would have left it at that. But now, he was angry. 

"Cut the bullshit, Ryan."

"Fine. You really want me to tell you?"

"Yeah, I really do."

"I’m leaving Buzzfeed," he said, in a rush, looking down at the floor. "I’m gonna keep doing Unsolved, of course, but I’m only working with them part time. I’ve signed the contracts and everything." He shuffled his feet. "I didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared, I think."

Shane was suddenly transported back to a memory he didn’t know he had retained: sitting in a sweaty classroom and making a new friend, with the boy who was wide-eyed and grinning, and so very intriguing. Ryan looked all of his years, all of  _ their  _ years that they shared, as he looked back up at him with a sort of child-like expression of sheepishness and excitement.

"That piece of paper is my investment into our own company."

Whatever Shane had been expecting, it wasn’t that. 

" _ What _ ?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "I said, I’m starting a company, and if you’ll have me, with you too."

Shane’s mind was racing. He didn’t even know where to start, what questions to ask.

"Okay." He took a deep breath. "You wanted us to start a company together? Us? The two most  _ inexperienced at running company _ people you’ll ever meet?"

"We’ll get someone who is, at least a little bit, and we have the money, and the fans, and the… I don’t know, the ideas, the willpower." Ryan argued. "And it would be better than this. I want to be able to have control of the content we’re making. I want my brand to be  _ my brand _ , not the person I have to be for the cameras." He sighed. "And… I hated that they cancelled your show. I wanted to do this all for you."

"For me?" 

This, Shane thinks, is the most anyone’s ever done for him, the biggest anything has ever been. Even if he fucked it up, Ryan doesn’t look like he’s quite ready to let go of that piece of paper.

"Yeah, it was for you, Shane. For us, specifically. We do everything together."

"It doesn’t sound like a bad idea," Shane said tentatively, but it’s only a glimmer of the truth, because it’s easier to say that than to say he’s never wanted anything more, other than Ryan himself.

But Ryan knows what he means, because he grins. In the way that everything Ryan says is hyperbole, everything Shane says is an understatement. Sometimes it’s hard for them to say exactly what they want, and yet they understand each other perfectly.

"You really think so?" he asked, biting his lip. 

Shane decided that for Ryan, he will say what he means, for once. "It sounds like the most terrifying thing ever, and honestly, it’s a crazy idea. But so is every idea we’ve had, and they’ve worked out pretty well in the end." He collapsed onto the couch. "Something that could be ours, wholly and unequivocally ours, is the best thing that I could ever dream of having." He thought maybe he had said too much, so he shut his mouth. Ryan looked delighted. 

"Exactly," he said. "Oh god, it feels so good to tell you, you had no idea how hard it was keeping it from you. I wanted to tell you  _ so bad _ ."

‘You could have just told me.” Shane shrugged. "I wouldn’t have said no, not in any scenario."

"I wanted to wait until it was more final," Ryan said. "And, um. You didn’t make it easy for me to tell you."

"Well. You’re the one who was avoiding me," he grumbled. 

"You were avoiding  _ me!" _

They looked at each other and burst out laughing. 

"We’re both tremendous idiots, aren’t we?"

Shane smiled, and god, it felt good to smile with Ryan again. He reached out and took Ryan’s hand in his, running his thumb over the knuckles.

"I’m sorry," he said, and tried to get as much earnesty into it as he could. "I let my emotions get the better of me, ironically enough. I saw you, and your boyfriend, and yeah, it cut me up a bit but I shouldn’t have invaded your privacy, or done anything that could compromise our friendship." He wished he could apologize for his feelings, apologize for feeling them so deeply and so all-consuming. But that would mean having to acknowledge them, say them out loud, all over again.

"Wait a second." Ryan rubbed his eyes. "I don’t have a boyfriend. That man you saw, he was a business investor. The dressing up nicely, the working on the documents, I didn’t do it for anyone but you, you big dafty."

"Oh," was all Shane said, as the last pieces of the puzzle fell into place. "Oh."

"You gotta stop wallowing in your self pity, or it's going to get you into more of these sticky situations."

Shane nodded, feeling a bit numb. 

"I… don’t want to mess things up again." he said. "Not now."

"I mean, yeah, you hurt me." Ryan admitted. "But you were just being an idiot. I get it."

"Hurt you?" He hoped he didn't sound accusatory.

"Yeah, I got my hopes up, again." Ryan said, with a new bitterness. He looked away again, cheeks turning pink. He gave a feeble attempt at a shaka to try and lighten the mood. It didn’t work.

"Hopes up about what?" Shane frowned.

"Oh, come on. Don’t make me say it."

" _ Say what _ ?"

"The bet.’’ Ryan’s eyes were shiny with emotion. ‘’The stupid fucking bet, I was talking about you. I was trying to find a way to fit it into conversation, but you didn’t seem to care. And then I thought… I don’t know. But the other day I was hurt, because, because I thought you were going to tell me you loved me," his voice broke. "And instead you basically said you didn’t like me having casual sex, or some bullshit." 

Shane gaped at him, dread settling in his chest like poison. "That’s not what I said."

"Well, that’s how I saw it."

"I was saying that because I was jealous of those people, you moron!" Shane exclaimed. "Being in love with you was the  _ prerequisite _ of my stupid jealousy - I thought… I thought anyone would see that!" The word ‘love’ had sort of just slipped out, in the hurry to show how very wrong Ryan was. He supposed there was no going back now. "I thought that’s why you were mad."

Ryan looked like the gears in his head were working at full speed. He stared for a long, tense moment.

"You… you…" He swallowed. "You feel the same way?"

Really, Shane thought, it was stupid to think that it would be any other way."

"If that feeling is quite frankly an embarrassing amount of yearning and equal but possibly more embarrassing amount of being horny, then yeah."

Ryan opened his mouth, and then closed it again. Shane wondered if this was the crucial moment, like on their ghost hunts, when Ryan decided either to bail or to stick it out.

"Over the last few months, and condensed into the past few minutes, I’ve been thinking," he said finally. "I’ve mulled it over. I gave it a good bit of thought. And I realized, I’ve been a phenomenal idiot."

"This is news?"

"Shut up, Shane." Ryan grinned, albeit a little nervously. "I’ve realized, there’s a piece of you in every person I’ve ever loved. Maybe I did it subconsciously, because you’ve been so very present, all my life, maybe I thought, I don’t know, that I would be content to love somehow who had just  _ pieces  _ of you, like if I could date someone with your laugh, or your fashion sense, or lack thereof, or your same favourite movie. I thought it would be enough, but it wasn’t. Because it’s just you, it’s always been you, like everyone else is the little jigsaw pieces of a picture of my… my perfect person - and you put them all together and take a step back - maybe quite a few steps back, considering how grotesquely tall you are - and it’s just you. You, your face, your big stupid face and your stupid moustache and your stupid floppy hair-"

Shane cut him off, mid-ramble, leaning down and kissing him hard. Ryan froze for a second, and then relaxed into it, his hands resting uncertainly on Shane’s hips. Shane realized immediately that he had just found a new fool-proof way of getting Ryan to be quiet. If someone had told him this before he might have opened up about his feelings sooner. 

"I wasn’t finished!" Ryan spluttered, when he drew away, combing a hand through his hair. "And - fuck you, you’re good at kissing,” he said breathlessly, and Shane laughed too, looking up at him with a bowed head. 

"Only you, Ryan, could give the most heartfelt love confession and make it the most insulting thing at the same time," Shane said. "Real Mr. Darcy shit."

Ryan giggled, and brought Shane’s face down to his to kiss him on the forehead. "Can I continue with it? I rehearsed this for too long for it to go to waste."

"Of course you can."

"I tried to hit the nail on the head about what it was I loved about you, Shane, and I could have looked for a thousand years, because I would never find any other answer than just you, all of your sprawling parts and brittle edges. Everything. And - to be honest - it really is quite absurd, all of it, that’s its  _ you,  _ who I’ve known through everything and then some, and that it’s you, because you are a bit of a hipster weirdo," Ryan grinned mischievously, and Shane loved that he could have a laugh with it all, poke fun of it the way they did anything. He added it to his ever growing list of Favourite Things About Ryan. "But I am, and looking up at you here, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been, just in this tiny moment. No one else compares to you, but at the same time, they are the most special, important thing that's ever been, because they are the stepping stones that led me to you. If I had to go through everyone in the world, I would still end up here, looking up at you."

Shane didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if it would come out as words or just a strangled sob. He chose instead, to cup Ryan’s face in his hands and kiss him again.

"We learnt what love was together," he said softly. "Of course it would end up like this."

"Funny how our new business venture isn’t the craziest revelation of the night," Ryan said, against his mouth. "What a shocking turn of events."

There was no doubt now, that whatever they decided to do together would work out, because it always did. 

And maybe Shane would become one of the people in Ryan’s bed, but much less buttoned up than he had once thought, and for more than a night: for a night and then a morning and then perhaps for a few more. But, like the documents they spread out on the kitchen table the next day, that would be nobody’s business but theirs. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Come say hi on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/shyanbergej) <3


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